By Elysia Conner
Casper Journal
With an empty space at the table and a Christmas stocking bearing the name of someone who’ll never open it again, holidays don’t feel the same. Some don’t feel like celebrating at all after losing a loved one. Those reactions are OK, according to Dee Ann Lippincott, clinical therapist at Central Wyoming Counseling Center
“People shouldn’t feel pressured to celebrate if they don’t want to,” Lippincott said. “If you don’t want to and if you don’t have the energy, then don’t. But I would also say, don’t isolate and maybe have a plan for those days like Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.”
Amy Fitzpatrick, a social worker at Central Wyoming Hospice & Transitions, also recommends taking some alone time when needed but to also consider limited socializing too.
“You don’t have to stay for the whole event, and you don’t have to go to every event,” Fitzpatrick said. “But think about accepting a few invites. Don’t isolate and withdraw during the holidays, because there’s a fine line between that and taking your alone time.”
So what if the prospect of the usual holiday celebration is too much? Plan ahead to do something else, those who work with grief say. Some of Lippincott’s clients find comfort in honoring the memory of loved ones through volunteering or donating in that person’s name. Some hospice clients schedule activities that give them pleasure and it doesn’t even have to be about the holidays, according to Fitzpatrick. Taking a trip or spending the day with someone in a similar situation also might be a good option.
The idea is not to avoid grief; expect and accept some sadness
“Of course, allow yourself to cry,” Fitzpatrick said. “It does show strength to be able to cry and it’s very healthy.” Don’t hide your feelings from children, she added, it only teaches them to deny their feelings.
“If you have children and there’s been a loss, there’s going to be happy/sad moments,” Lippincott said. “You’re happy because your children are experiencing the joy of Christmas, but there’s still this huge other piece where you’re so sad.
Joining a grief support group or just knowing others out there are experiencing the same thing can help people feel less alone.
“This time of year, you think that everybody else’s life is great and they’re having this Normal Rockwell Christmas and here you are with this horrible loss,” Lippincott said. “But there are a lot of people experiencing loss.”
Fitzpatrick also recommends people not “catastrophize the holidays.” Don’t expect them to be wholly miserable and be open to the possibility of some happiness. Many people feel up to some celebration, but opt for a smaller, quieter gathering.
“It doesn’t have to be all or nothing,” Lippincott said. “You may just want to do something different this year or even start a new tradition.”
Remember to take care of yourself, Lippincott added. She recommends not stressing over holiday activities, getting exercise, eating healthy and avoiding excessive alcohol.
“Alcohol is a depressant and it doesn’t make anything better,” Lippincott said.
Also account for other grievers’ needs when it comes to traditions, Fitzpatrick suggested. The family all lost the same person but each member misses a different kind of relationship. For instance, one person lost a life partner while another person lost a dad.
“Those losses, those experiences, those memories around the holidays are different so their needs are going to be different,” Fitzpatrick said. “So look for that compromise and a little bit of give-and-take. It’s never an easy task.”
Everyone grieves differently. Some might find comfort in carrying on traditions as before or even cooking favorite foods of the person no longer there. For others, those reminders may be too painful.
Maybe grandpa always carved the turkey or big brother placed the star atop the tree. Families can plan out who will carry on a tradition handled by the person who died. Or maybe it will feel right to modify a tradition or start a new one.
Some like to do something in remembrance, like hang something in the window to honor the loved one, light a candle or make a toast. Some families opt to treat themselves to a dinner out instead of cooking.
Be sure to include everyone, especially children in those decisions, Fitzpatrick suggested.
Gifts are a big part of the holidays, but some clients find going to stores decked out for the holidays is nearly debilitating, Fitzpatrick said. Many have an easier time buying online.
Even years after a death, the holidays can still be a difficult time. It can help to plan ahead for the holidays and other significant days throughout the year. It’s most important to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and communicate how you feel to family and friends, Lippincott said.
“There’s no right or wrong in grief and there’s no right or wrong in how we celebrate the holidays when loved ones die,” Fitzpatrick said.